Since I am not in Atlanta yet, I'm going to post about Atlanta. I was browsing through Urban Outfitters yesterday looking for some shoes and I noticed a book called Texts from Last Night. The first page I opened to had a 404 number so I was instantly amused. I hope someone recognizes something they sent.
Kansas
(678):Actually overhead in the Wichita airport: "I'd trade my ovaries for a 40"
(770): Kansas rulz
Don't Let These People Near Children
(404): In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use during a piano lesson.
Who Did It Best?
(404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator cause mine was too loud last night
(404): I fell asleep watching iron chef that was the blender she heard.
Wine
(770):We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Vodka
(404): Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sensory Distortion
Looks
(404): My penis looks like a roll of penies
(303): Oh. Ok. I get the hint
(404): Like a roll of pennies when the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tastes
(678): What are you drinking?
(404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Smells
(678): Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks...get lysol.
Phone Mishaps
(770): The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
(404): Mot sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one
[415][415][415][408]
(404): Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
(404): I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
(770): Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
(678): discrete masturbation is a lost art
(678): I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
(770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
(404): Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Texter's Teachings
(678): Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
(678): Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Farts, Sharts, & Queefs
(678): I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The Green
(770): honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
(1-770): you.
(770): oh yeah. preciate
(404): I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
(954): Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Patrick Swayze (august 18, 1952-September 14, 2009)
(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. "I'll let you get back to your funeral. "I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sainnn"
Cheaters
(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I don't know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Grubbing Out
(404): A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
(404): She started it, but I totally finished it.
First Time Meeting the Parents
(770): I just barfed on his mom.
(404): You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think...
(404): My phone didn't know the word "conscience," do you think that is indicative of something?
Drinking Games
(404): Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
LL & BB: Our favorite texts
(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
BB's Favorite Texts
(770): cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
(1-770): i said paris hilton
(770): thats even worse
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